learn.

so reader,
could you please teach me, how to be honest person.
cause I wonder if I still be honest. In my whole life I keep lying to myself.

I cheat on myself countless time.
I telling myself that I could do this, I could do that.

Till I realize, its like Queen song, No escape from reality.


I,, Me,, Myself,, start to lose my confident lately.

I try to remind myself the truly I am.

I used to be cheerful girl. but look at me now.

Working like hell. hell yeah, I forget to how to life.

...

I done some civil service today. I realize I'm too tired. I doing some research, doing some university grant, do lecturing and stuff. almost have no time for myself.I even in deathline now for my book. 2 chapter left for it. I almost can't believe that Im still alive in this kind of situation.

I stop my car and think.

Where will I go after this?

I buy 2 cans coffee, drinking while thinking,2 cans of coffee finish I still craving for more coffee, but I realize lot stuff and work to do, if I end up in Hospital again because of gastric I will blame myself again.

Well, I got in ICU like 3 times this years. but now my weight is 65kg, I think I won't end up gastric anymore.

When I decide to add more caffeine, I think I could use help from movie.


I call my friend tya and we hit the cinema, I saw in the cinema there is my favorite actor on screen. Donnie Yen, Master for Wung Chin and Boxing. He playing screen with Andy Lau.

I feel like that is my kind of movie to chill and relax.

the title was Chasing the Dragon.

Long story short it was about black side of Hong Kong. Triad and Police on Narcotic, Gambling and Brothel.so the story more likely brotherhood of Triad (Donnie Yen) and Police (Andy Lau).

the story quite a mess with storyboard unpredictable.

But there is a line that make me stop watching and thinking.

life or death, poverty or riches. its all destined. 

THAT sentences hit me just like that, I realize, It more likely disney song when I was a child

Why should I worry? Why should I care??

Its all destined. suddenly its like the old myself said to me,

Allah doesn't charge a soul except (with that within) its capacity. 

Allah tidak membebani seseorang melainkan sesuai dengan kesanggupannya [...] 

- Al - Baqarah (286)

Now I will learn to tell myself a thousand time a day. 

This time I would not lie to myself anymore. because that is the truth. 

Truth is always win, thou it takes time.

so I will give myself time to believe it. cause even the fairly tale said so,

even miracle take a little times - The Fairy Godmother